Ever since I was 18, I have been surrounded by friends who decided to have babies (babies having babies) and watched them struggle being a single mom and dealing with the territory of the secret single mom club. I do not know how they do it. Facing each and every problem alone and not being able to bounce their fear and suspicions and hope and joy against the other half of the genes.
I always said I would have kids when I am twenty-three. My mom had me at that age and at the time I was in a serious relationship and we talked about kids. Too bad we broke up when I was twenty-one and never was able to full fill our plan of having kids. The next age I gave myself was twenty-five. I actually found a not so decent guy who agreed to get married and have kids with me… and then I realized who and what I was planning on spending the rest of my life with and called off the marriage, having kids and even our relationship. Best choice I have ever made. Back to the drawing board and I found an old flame and we began dating and he was going to move me to Barstow (see below. Really? Move me to nothing??)
when he got back from his deployment and we were gonna have kids. That relationship sizzled a few months later. Neither of us were ready to have kids at that given moment. Next boyfriend, we took the steps on to actually having kids. I joined Cafe Mom and us ladies poured our hearts out when we realized that we couldn’t conceive. After trying for 6 months (we were together for about 2 years at this point and I was living in England. A kid seemed like a good idea at the time) and I asked him to go get tested for his sperm count before I made an appointment to get myself checked out and he flat-out refused. I then saw a long future of him doing what he wanted to do and not support or help me in any way. Already there were signs of it and I chose to over look them. I abruptly got back on birth control and the boyfriend had no idea why I was so upset. I decided after that I would wait until my early 30’s before I have a child. I met yet another potential guy I could imagine having kids with and he already had a kid so I knew he would be a good daddy. Too bad he had a girlfriend in another state he failed to tell me about and then told me they were broken up and gosh, he loved me more than anything, just couldn’t leave the other girl, she might kill herself. That guy right there should not be having babies if he can not even keep it in his pants through a relationship.
The truth always comes out a one point.
If I would have followed through and ignored my intuition…
…my house would look like [above].
My next goal of having a baby is by the time I am 35. Still have some time to find a decent man or a possible sperm donor.
I always seem to find some excuse why I am not ready to have babies OR a husband for that matter. I came close a few times, but nothing could get me to commit and stick it out. I am a runner. Everyone around me is getting married, (I go to at least one wedding a year), having babies and starting a family and buying a house. I am not opposed to it of course, i would love to find someone to settle down with and do movie night and take the kids to the park and teach them where their nose is, but something is preventing me from following through.
- Have to travel around the world before settling down and having kids
- Want that degree saying I completed something in my life
- Need to move out of my parents house first.
- Must find a worthwhile guy
- I’m not ready to give up my life
So it makes me wonder if… maybe i will forever be an aunt and never the mom. I have to say, I am 100% okay with that at this exact moment. Tomorrow might be a different story.