I do not tolerate liars.
Sounds surprising huh? Like who in their right mind would actually put up with something like that? Being lied to? To have the truth omitted from conversation? I do not know either. But apparently I do because I believed everything that came out of his mouth.
I recently came across horrible news. I was not happy to say the least and I tried my hardest to forget about it. Forgive. Then I started thinking. Once my brain gets going, I do not stop until I have the answers I am looking for. Needless to say, I found the answers I was looking for. I found them, well, I won’t say where I found them, but I realized that I was not loved. It was as though a huge glass of icy cold water was splashed in my face. I was awake. I realized.
There are a few things that I do not tolerate:
Now, as I look at that list, is it really that hard to not do any of those? Most people would stumble at maybe one or two but not THREE. I am so hurt and angry and furious. To hear the words, “I was unfaithful to you,” grrrrr. Pisses me off.
So, what did I learn from this lovely life lesson? I learned that whoever is controlling upstairs is a sick individual. How many times must I go through heartbreak? Oh! Maybe that is my lesson!! To stop being blind to people who treat me bad. Unfortunately for me, I don’t realize they are dick heads until my heart is wrapped up in it. Stupid heart. Stupid brain.
I must forgive. I must forgive him for his selfish jack ass moments. I will not live my life in anger because he is once again, “another guy who hurt me.” And in the whole scheme of things, I just have to add him to the pile.
Purge. I must purge. Find everything and mail it back, I am sure I have something in the car or mixed up with everything else. Clean break. Walk away and forgive. So much easier said than done. But, I have gone this far, so there really isn’t much further before i plummet to my invisible death off this stupid cliff of emotions.
Or, I can stick my heart on a shelf, and stick my head in the ground and just charge through life until I am ready to face anything. My heart is broken, but it can be mended, my trust is gone, but it can be replaced. Time time time.
I feel slightly as though I am going crazy right now. All cracked up! My delicate outside is about to burst and the evil side of me is coming out full force. Not that I want to inflict any emotional, mental or physiological harm. No, that is not what I would do. Why waste my time? It just would show that I care, and I must show that I do not. How can I care about someone who so obviously does not care about me? Any man who claims to love me is not going to put hands on me nor is he going to text another girl (explicit stuff). REALLY???? When I look at it like that, it makes it a bit easier. Then I think about how much I loved him and how it was wasted love. I wasted my time and energy on someone who did not care enough about me to treat me with the same respect.
Gawd damnit. That was a tough piece of information to actually write out. Dude, that actually sucks. I am starting to chuckle and I don’t know why this is funny. I don’t know whether to go out to a field and scream my bloody head off or laugh. Perhaps I am going crazy?
I am debating whether or not to start a new blog so I can pour my heart and soul out to the internet or keep the one I have and just use this for now. Decisions decisions.
I am so freaking mad right now!! How dare he even think he can treat me that way. I could forgive the first one because he made such an effort and tried, but this one?? He was already so “sorry” and then THIS?! and then THAT? Grrrrrrr.
Oh well. What good is getting angry going to do? Just hurt myself. Lose my appetite, get super skinny, lose my boobs. None of that sounds very good at all. Sounds pretty damn awful truthfully. I have to get curvy. Well, as curvy as I can get i suppose. Have a hot date with a hot brunette whom I call my Best Friend In The World over Memorial Day weekend. What better way to spend my birthday then outside of California? Leave this whole freaking mess behind. Oh wait, I will be here on my birthday. Whatever, I can still leave this whole mess behind me for at least a few days. Enjoy girl time. Be with my lover face for a while, she can always ground me back to where I must be.
Funny, history is repeating itself. Just last April I left Jason because he went to Australia with Jamie and I couldn’t handle it. I could not handle him being in love with another girl while he was in love with me. So I walked away. Well, first I made sure to ruin his careful plans of being a lying asshole and put him on blast, but after the dust settled, I simply walked away and cried my eyes out for months. Now, this dude has told me over and over he loves me and wants to marry me, but his actions say a different story. And, I had to walk away. Again. My heart hurts and aches right now, but I deserve a person who will love and respect me. I know I just got done bitching about the word respect (here or at school… I don’t remember) but it’s not hard to respect the one you love. I totally respected him. I loved him. I wanted nothing but the best for him. And I got the worst from him. Thanks pal. What a way to make a girl feel special!! Oh wait, you only make other girls feel special. Oops my bad, I forgot.
I feel sick. Must have been my dinner of cucumbers and deviled eggs. Or it’s from pure exhaustion of letting go of love. One sided love, but letting it go anyway. Maybe one day we can be friends… maybe one day I can think of him and not want to stab him with a red-hot poker straight out of the fireplace and plunge it into his heart and twist it a few times. I mean, only reason I say that is because that is exactly what he did to me, and right now there is no freaking healing from that. I have to take my time and nurse my heart back to health. Lick my wounds. Hide. Most of all, I want to hide and forget any of this ever happened.
Over and Out from Planet Heartbreak