Forward Thinking

I don’t think this post will be full of my bitching and complaining. Maybe just a teeny bit, but I must put the anger aside and focus on the GOOD that has come out of this.

Even though I feel hurt and betrayed and angry over the recent turn of events, I have to be thankful that it happened now and not when I was pregnant and bitchy or severely sick with something where I am too sick to get out of bed and make him feel unloved and chose to seek “stuff” elsewhere. Considering it happened before we even broke up is what hurts the most out of all of this. Flounder recently tried to turn it around on me by asking how many people I slept with on my facebook and  he has a right to know. The thing is, up until all this crap happened, yes, he did have the right to know. As my boyfriend, he had the right to know everything I was doing. However, once someone screws up to that degree, he lost all right to know everything. HE is the one who sought out another girl by friend requesting her, HE is the one who contacted her first and gave her his phone number, HE is the one who turned to her in his “time of need” and HE is the one who sent inappropriate text messages to a “friend” when he wanted me back. During this whole time, HE was the one freaking out on me and accusing me of bullshit. So screw that. I get so mad just thinking about it.

So the positive side to this whole mess:

1. I get to live ALONE. I can choose the furniture, plates, cups, silverware, decorations, EVERYTHING and no one will tell me no.

2. I won’t be tip toeing around Flounder scared that he will get mad at me for something stupid. I can walk into the kitchen and not be freaked out that he is going to follow me and scream at me, throw broken CD’s at me, burn my property (misunderstanding, but he was still an asshole and ruined partying pictures) or throw full soda’s at me because he “hurts”.

3. I can get the kitty I want. Well, not right now, but I am going to find two kittens (2-3 months old) who are siblings and have them BOTH.

4. I am focusing on school. Plowing through my classes. Even with all this nonsense going on, I did not drop my class.

5. If I want people over, I will have them over. If I want to be alone, I will be alone. I rule my domain.

6. I can leave shit in the middle of the floor and no one will say anything (this goes to past roommates prior to Flounder).

7. I can exercise in my underwear in my living room with out worrying that someone will walk through the door and bitch at me for not being at work (again, prior to Flounder)

8. I. Am. Free.

I don’t trust males right now. I think they are all assholes and I am kinda turning into a man-hater. Which is too bad, I don’t like to be like that. But after the crap the last two boyfriends just put me through, I am done with being involved with guys. I don’t want anything to do with them. If it has a penis, I will run screaming in the other direction. I allow them to hurt me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I suppose now is the time to get a line of credit at Dream Box or somewhere to keep me occupied during those lonely nights…

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don’t have to look at the past and psychoanalyze it. It will do me no good and it will only piss me off and the hurt will resurface again. The only thing I can do right now is go back to things that make me happy. Being outside in the sunshine. Laying out by the pool. Reading. Studying. Going to shows. Traveling to see friends and family. It is time for me to be me. No longer do I have to give everything I have to another person only to get shat on in return. I am free to be me. I am actually kind of excited for this new journey. Luckily, fingers crossed, Texas is still coming to me since I am too poor to go to Texas. What better thing to happen than move into an apartment and have my very best friend in the whole wide world right there with me? I don’t know either…


5 thoughts on “Forward Thinking

  1. It sounds like your ex boyfriend was extremely abusive, I think it is definitely for the best that you have broken up with him, and that you should never take him back, no matter how much he begs. That seems the rational and ethical thing to do.

    I hope things turn out better for you in the future.

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