Word.

When I give my word to someone, I mean it. If I say I am going to do something, I will do it. If I make a promise, I will stick to that promise. Occasionally stuff does come up and I can understand when someone breaks their word to me in that situation.

Words. It can be a carless statement, a hurting response, a lie, a happy occasion. So much falls under one word. One word can make me burn with rage, cry with happiness or laugh my ass off in delight. Most recently, the word of choice is “yep.” Only time I use Yep is when I am making a point that I am annoyed. Recently other people began using the word yep in response to me. Or twisting my words. Or throwing my words back in my face. Now, this has been going on for a few days. I thought I was the crazy one in this situation. I had to take a step back and realize that it is only words. As much as I hate these words being said to me, actions are still louder than words. If I was to give my word to someone and my actions did not back up my word then I am wasting said person’s time. However if I did not say anything but allowed my actions to speak for themselves then I am speaking loud and clear.

I realized recently that actions do speak louder than words. “I’m sorry” is an empty statement except when used lightly. It can be “I’m sorry you are hurting.” “I’m sorry for your loss.” “I’m sorry but I am going to laugh at you.” Saying you are sorry for doing the same thing isn’t being sorry.  If you are that sorry, then don’t repeat the actions to generate a wussy “sorry” that really does not make anything better.

Words are amazing. Especially when they are used to manipulate. That is when words become tricky and false. Sorry is usually said right after the manipulation. Once again though, manipulation is using words. Actions will forever speak louder than said words.

I am tired of hearing manipulating words. I am tired of hearing sorry. I am tired of not being treated equal. I am mostly tired of thinking that I have the problem and I deserve this behavior in some way. I do not deserve to be manipulated, insulted and have my words thrown back in my face, twisted. I don’t deserve to join people on a roller coaster of mood swings. Frankly, I do not want to be anywhere near the roller coaster.

I live my life as simple as I can. I do not like added stress, annoyances or problems that I can not immediately fix. Everything in my life is simple because I set it up that way. I am busy, not much free time, but the time I do have, I do not want to waste by dealing with anger, irritability, extreme mood swings or just plain and simple asshole-ness.

To make my life simple again, I am cutting people out of my life until they can get the help they need and become a functioning part of society. I do not feel bad for turning my back on them because they do not feel bad for treating me a certain way. Yes, I do hear the “sorry” afterwards, but it does not make up for the way I was treated in the first place. And so many sorry’s really don’t mean anything at the end of the day. If they were truly sorry, they wouldn’t have done it more than once in the first place. I say sorry when I bump into someone because it was an accident. I didn’t mean to bump into their arm, basket, whatever. By me saying sorry, I am acknowledging my mistake. If I follow them around the store and bump into them every time I feel like, and then say sorry, obviously I do not mean it.

I took a quiz earlier and then did some studying up on mental illness. I realize that I must deal with one mental illness on a Monday – Friday basis as it is my boss and father.  Once the weekend hits, I am free and do not associate with him. I do not need to deal with his emotional abuse when I am off the clock. Mom, Brother, Grama and I are encouraging him to go to the doctor and seek the help he needs because he is driving all of us insane. The constant mood swings, erratic behavior, meanness and the extreme highs and lows are too much to deal with. As he gets older, it’s getting worse and worse. He desperately needs help and he is thisclose to actually going to the doctor.

The other person in my life cycles at the same time my father does. It’s like a double whammy and drives me to the point of primal animal screaming in my car. I do not like to feel so frustrated that I get so angry. I cut it off this morning, until he seeks the help and begins to get better. I am not able to handle it. I do not want to deal with it. Every time he starts in on me, I lose my appetite, cry, feel sick, throw up. His erratic behavior causes me to get sick because I take everything and internalize it. I don’t know how to block it. I attempt to stand up to him the same way I stand up to my father and it gets thrown back in my face that I don’t give him a hug and I don’t make it better. If I think he might get violent, um, hello? I am not going to get in arms reach of him.  This weekend, I have not eaten. Not hungry at all. It’s from pure stress. When it escalates to the point it did this week, fear sets in and I am scared he will come after me. He has before and I don’t know when or if it will happen again. I don’t want to find out. I have to protect myself first and foremost. And if i think it will escalate to that  point again, it will. He claimed he was sorry after every episode and it won’t happen again. Every month it happens again. I have to distance myself.

I found a great link in my researching depressive disorders. I took the quiz to see if perhaps I might be the one who is totally losing it and it came back that I was not depressed. I didn’t think I was. I only feel weird when I am around the two males in my life who are cycling like crazy. I did have mild anxiety though. Which I already knew.

www.psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm

If anyone happens to read my blog and feels that they may have depressive issues or experiences extreme mood swings (PMS or pregnancy not included) I strongly suggest getting help. It will create so many positive avenues between you and your significant other, work, children, all aspects of your life. Coming from someone on the opposite end who is trying to deal with mood swings and everything that goes with it, it will only help you. I want nothing more for the guys in my life to be healthy and happy. Until then, I have chosen to, in essence i suppose, turn my back and give them tough love. Either they figure it out or they don’t.

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