Due to a recent turn of events and stress I could not handle, I am now on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor to help me through this rough patch. I never in a million years would have thought that I would wind up where I am, but you know what?
I LOVE MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. LOVE. They help me take the emotion out of everything. I have a bad problem with feeling guilty. Anyone can guilt me into anything regardless if I did something or not. I hate that about myself and finally realized enough is enough and I am doing something to change it.
My dad can guilt me into anything. If he is in a bad mood, its because of some thing I did. If he misplaces some thing, its because I moved it regardless if I did or not. If some thing goes wrong, I automatically take the blame for it. If he tells me one thing and does another, I take the responsibility. Then recently, I realized, why the EFF am I doing this? He must take responsibility for his own actions. If he does something or is mad about anything, I can not assume responsibility. HE must learn to control his behavior, the nasty things he says to me and knock it off. I can not take what he says personally. I just won’t. It does me no good, under estimates my intelligence and basically makes me feel like shit. I don’t deserve that nor will I tolerate it anymore.
Needless to say, that has gone over like a bucket of shit. Suddenly I am ungrateful, and take advantage of him and throw work on him and stress him out and make him worry and don’t do my job, oh and by the way, I get paid way more than I’m worth.
My ex, has the same power over me. I hate it. I allow him to make me feel so guilty. If I don’t talk to him, I feel guilty, if I don’t do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, I feel guilty. Recently we got into a huge fight. It was the make it or break it fight. It broke. I can not stand to be treated that way. I do not need to tip toe around him and hope he doesn’t get angry over something stupid. I have a list of things I can not say to him because it “hurts” him. He doesn’t seem to freaking mind backing me into the corner and yelling at me and slamming my front door and trying to intimidate me. He does not care when he is in that mood and its almost as if he is possessed and something literally takes over his mind and he freaks out grand style. Naturally, its never that bad. I am over reacting. I caused it some how, if I wasn’t such a bitch to him then he wouldn’t act that way. If I wasn’t on my phone so much he wouldn’t do that, if I would hug him more he wouldn’t do that. Luckily my beautiful mood stablizers kept me calm during the whole thing. Kept me rational. I was thinking clearly and I was able to get us outside and lock the door. I was much safer in the parking lot then I was backed into a corner or with him about to tear my apartment apart looking for my phone to “prove” to himself I was only texting who I said I was.
I had the same fear that I did when the first big blow up happened. I was scared. He scared me. I am operating without emotion right now. I am going through the motions and doing what I must do to protect myself from him. Until he gets the psychiatric help he needs, he will be blocked from my life. I do not need to deal with all these psychotic issues every one has. When I felt like I was going crazy and there was something wrong with me, I went to the doctor. I got on some anti depressants and found a counselor. I am trying to help myself. Come to find out, I am not crazy, because if I have to ask, then I am thinking rationally. I am dealing with crazy behavior all around me. Its enough to make anyone snap.
I would like more than anything in the world to run away and hide. Just hide until all this is done and over with. Not face anyone, sit in a dark hole and wait it out. Too bad for me, I live in the real world, and am not able to go hide. I have to pay bills and keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have to be an adult. I have to move forward. Each day I wake up and its a whole new day to screw up. Why in the world would I want to run away from that?!
Not really, each day is a new day. Luckily tomorrow, I won’t wake up with a raging hangover like I did today. I was once young and full of life and could party all night and work all day. Nope. After last night, my 3 beers and vodka tonic I just killed myself today. So hung over. Swore that I would “never drink again when I have to work the next day like that ever again!!” Yeah right. I will probably do it next week. We didn’t even make it to the movie. Girls Gone Drinking!!
So even though I think life sucks huge hairy nuts right now, it really doesn’t. Time heals everything. Hopefully my ex does get the help he needs. If he chooses not to, then that is HIS life to lead and I don’t have to be a part of it. Tough Love is what I think they call that. My dad… I don’t know if he ever will change. He still thinks nothing is wrong with him and its all of us. Best thing for me to do is remove myself from the situation. I do not have to put up with that behavior. He can do what ever he wants, but I am making the choice not to deal with it. I just have to find a different job first…
It feels good taking control of my life again. I am not allowing anyone to manipulate or boss me around and make decisions for me. If a person does not like this new assertive me, then oh well. I am not here to worry about everyone else and all their feelings. I have to worry about myself first. I have put myself last long enough.
I love my anti-depressants.