Never Again.

You know, I don’t think I will ever fall in love again. 

I never want to deal the lies, obvious betrayal, the sickening feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I realize everything that was told to me was a lie. 

My emotions came back. Obviously forgetting my anti depressant last night was a really bad idea. 

I never ever want to feel this again. I know I have to blog this out, its the only way to feel better. Like Jason. He was blogged out. He broke my delicate little heart though. I thought I would never ever fall in love again and I did. And once again my delicate fucking heart is broken. 

To know that it was a lie, that he was just waiting for it makes me sick. Makes me so mad that I can barley see. Makes my heart and stomach clench in the most god awful way. I feel like I am going to choke or throw up or both at the same time. Its horrible and I hate it. I hate the way that my heart is still so attached. I tried to fool myself for ages but thats all I did was fool myself. 

I am lost and confused. I feel like I am running on a mouse wheel and just spinning. I am not going anywhere, just spinning and spinning. And fuck him for doing this. If he could just be normal and not so god damned angry then this wouldn’t be happening. If he just followed through with his worthless promises, I wouldn’t be sitting here, thinking back to everything and realizing he is a huge fat liar. 

Well, in retrospect its probably a good thing that he is a liar and full of shit and did do all that bad stuff so I won’t be further in and I can still leave. Nothing is holding me to him. But if he wants to lie to me and then turn around and do exactly what he said he isn’t going to do, then fuck him. These tears will eventually leave. I will eventually forget. I will eventually … get over it. Just the raw horrible pain right now is too much to bear. And I can not talk to anyone about it because its the same ole thing. I forgive to easily and I have to be strong. 

But gosh darn it, this fucking sucks. My heart is shattered on the floor into a thousand tiny slivers. The anger is gone. The lack of emotion is gone. Now, now, I just don’t know. Time to start healing. And time to learn not to give my heart away. I would rather die alone then ever run the risk of feeling this again. I ned a cat to love. That is a good plan. 

I am so mad!!! i HATE liars. They are so useless. Why bother lying? Just man up and tell the truth!! Don’t lie to save my feelings because in the end, my feelings are going to be fucking stomped on when I find out!! 

Ugh. 

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