Future Cat Lady

I woke up this morning with a horrible feeling in my stomach. I realized that my ex did not actually kill my dog. The stomach ache went away. Then I remembered the horrible melt down I had last night that was all tears and hiccuping and choking on my own anguish. That sucked to remember it. Then, as I rolled over, I felt this horrible clench in my stomach. Yay me. Now I have cramps to deal with on top of everything else. Aunt Flo always liked a good time, and always supports me when ever I go through some thing. I am just glad she didn’t surprise me.

I have to move forward and not look back. Not create fake facebook profiles to stalk. Not do any of that crazy stuff I do every time I either leave or get left. Its not healthy. Just because I made the final statement and ended things doesn’t mean that I am not so upset and in so much pain. However, when I have tried again and again, nothing changed. Half hearted attempts sure, but nothing really changed. And I think that hurts almost more than not being friends anymore. I lost my best friend, my confident, my lover and the person who I held so dear to my heart. It sucks to let go. It sucks to block him everywhere. It sucks to block him from my phone. It SUCKS. I won’t be able to call him and ask him how he is doing. Our relationship is too fragile and too much bad stuff has gone on. Maybe in a few months when stuff has cooled off and I have mellowed out I might be able to call him. I have to wait until that feeling in my heart goes away. And that burning sensation in my stomach. Damn that is not a good feeling.

Move forward and look forward. I can not dwell on the past. Over guys, I am going to wind up being a man hater for the rest of my life. However, its okay because at least I will have my cats!! When I get them anyway… I have friends, and goals and I am going to put my heart on a shelf and just walk away. And look forward.

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