So. I realized that I will most likely become a situational alcoholic through this. What else can I do? The silence drives me nuts, music makes me cry and vodka… makes me hungry.
I just ate way too many California Rolls. I found this sweet chili sauce from Trader Joe’s and it is so good. Taste just like the stuff from The Cube in England when I used to get fish cakes from there. This stuff is amazing.
I was very optimistic this morning. I was smiling, put on make up, made it through my day. Had a few wobbles, but nothing to write home about. Didn’t contact him. Texted others instead. Thank goodness for my girls. I would be lost with out them. And I don’t mean my lovely boobies. Who were nice enough to stay through this last weight loss.
But now, as the night winds down, as I allow the last bit of vodka to evaporate from my pores I realize… I fucking hate him for doing this. Why couldn’t he just be freaking normal and keep his stupid promise? Why does he have to get like that and freak out so bad and now look what happened, I finally had to call it quits. No more friendship, no more anything. It tears me up. I don’t know if its so easy to cry now because I had a drink earlier or if I am on the rag … or if actually I am just sad. I am bummed that its over and final.
This little heart of mine is so going on a shelf, in a closet, in the dark and left there for a very long time. I want NOTHING to do with guys. I don’t want to talk to them, look at them, deal with them, talk to them… I am just gonna tuck inside myself, like a hermit crab with my vodka and tonic, and music and … just be. I will probably come out of this just fine, its just this part that is hard. One day I might talk to him … one day I might not. Its up to him really if we ever talk again.
I don’t have any booze here, which means I must pick up a bottle of wine tomorrow, and I still have half a tray of California Rolls but I strangely feel sick to my stomach. Sadness sucks.