I feel sick.
I don’t know if its the vodka and tonic I had, or the cheesy bread or the pure sadness I feel.
The sadness I can mask with staying busy and drinkin’ with the girls. This cheese ball in my stomach, like Brooke called it is really fucking it up though. I shouldn’t have ate it. I am on a diet of crackers, california rolls and vodka. Nothing about cheesy bread is good. Except the taste.
I went to my therapist today. I cried only three times in a 45 minute period. I feel so much guilt about everything. About not talking to Jeff anymore. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. I pick up the phone and put it back down. I can not call him. Even from the land line. He’s not blocked there. What the hell am I going to say? Nothing because I would just be crying hysterically. That is really gonna go over well. I told him not to contact me and he’s not. Once the anger left, I feel such a deep horrible sadness. It cuts me to the core and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to go about my day and I can not get the dreams to stop. I wake up every morning at 5, relived to finally be awake and away from the dreams. I wake up with the same sick feeling in my stomach knowing that I am alone. I don’t have him anymore. Its my choice, but it was his choice too. He didn’t want to get help and sort out his life, I can not feel bad if I chose to walk away until he gets his life in order. I wanted to marry the guy. I wanted to spend my life with him. The good part of him was great. The bad part of him was horrible. I am not saying I am a saint because I am not, but I think I was manageable.
So the grand total was crying 5.5 times today. I stopped it one time. I cried in the bar, at my desk and in therapy. I learned lots of interesting stuff today about how I am always mothering people and I have to learn to stand up for myself and tell people NO when I know its not a good time. Maybe if I told Jeff NO the other day when I didn’t feel good this wouldn’t be happening and I wouldn’t be so sad.
The positive side of this is I have an interview tomorrow. Its in Hemet and that will blow to drive out there every day BUT it pays good and is a temp long term position so I can hopefully save enough money to finally move. I have to get out of here. I am going no where fast. I can not just sit around and think about Jeff. I would like to think he is destroyed like I am… but I don’t know.
I’ve been listening to drum n bass lately. That special gold CD. Has some of my favorite drum n bass on it. Tried to find it on YouTube but haven’t yet. My stomach burning is feeling better. This blogging into cyberspace is really helping.
Once my chest stops squeezing and my stomach stops burning and my heart stops constricting, I might be able to begin to heal from this. I just have to stay around people, not sit at home alone. My head hurts from crying so much. I wish this wasn’t the way it is… but it is.
I just have to look forward… one day I will talk to him… one day.