Standing Alone

I called the nurses board on my friend because she was a danger to herself and other people. Any nurse who steals ketamine from work has a “slight” drug problem. Well, I did it anonymously because I felt guilty for doing the right thing. I finally realized that I shouldn’t feel guilty because if she killed herself or someone else, then I would feel really guilty because “I could have done something.” She naturally didn’t accept responsibility for her actions of taking pills, drinking, and smoking pot amongst other things. She blamed Nicole, stating that Nicole “ruined her life.” Funnily enough, everyone believed the drug addict, not their friend. I felt really bad that Nicole took the heat, but I always stuck up for her because I knew she didn’t call the board and frankly, I knew she didn’t because she didn’t care enough. Sounds shitty, but thats how it is. 

I told Nicole on Monday that I called the board and she was like, oh whatever. She was out drinking yesterday, and told some of the girls. The girls then told their boyfriend(s) and next thing I know, I get a phone call getting bitched out and how I almost “ruined” Shannon’s life. How the eff did I almost ruin her life by forcing her to get sober. She was well on her way of killing someone or herself. Yeah, she was “forced” into it and not done on her own free will, but when it comes to dealing with sick people right out of surgery and she is high as a kite? Its not her choice anymore. My sister in law’s uncle died because a nurse didn’t do her job. I pictured if my mom was coming out of surgery and in Shannon’s care. Its a scary scary thing. So, I stood up for what I believe is right and you know what? I will most likely be standing alone. But I don’t care because I know deep in my heart, I did the right thing. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I had to put my personal feelings aside and focus on what was the right thing. If I was a nurse all fucked up on drugs, I would hope one of my friends would do whatever they could to help me so I don’t lose my license forever, like kill someone. Yeah I might hate them for a long time, but in the long run its only for my best interest. But addicts don’t see things like that so who knows really. I did tell Shannon. Told her that when we go to court, I will be standing there, not Nicole so she should probably apologize for being wrong and turning people against her. Haven’t heard anything since. Oh well. As the ex used to say, “Not my problem.” 

However, the only cowardly thing I am doing, is I deactivated FaceBook. I don’t really want to see any gossip about it, what other people’s *opinions* are on the subject and basically, I don’t want to get attacked for what I believe 100% honestly in my heart that I did the right thing. Some people chose to be assholes and frankly, I don’t want to deal with it. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon of who to point fingers at, and I kinda announced it in an awkward way, but fuck people. Let them point their fingers at me, but I am not going to be put on blast like that via FaceBook of all things. Let them call me or something. Plus, if I deactivate FaceBook, the temptation to stalk won’t be there. Ha. I win. 

I started tanning again. Whew. Thank goodness for that. I feel a thousand times better. I feel hopeful. I feel like I can move forward. I am ticking all these boxes off on my list, and yeah it pains the fuck out of me, but I had to do it for my own sanity. I want nothing more than to call my ex and hear about his day or tell him about how I did what I believed was right and now people will most likely exclude me on events because I did something they don’t agree with. But instead, I pour my heart out to cyberspace and let it go. Such a good release. 

I put on my fancy interview pants. Last time I put them on, I had to suck in my non belly a bit and breathe shallowly. They fit pretty snug. This time, they are baggy and I can put my fist in the waistband. They are a bit too big. Luckily I have a slight appetite and its not vodka induced. Gotta get my ass back. Get some curves going. I look like a boy!!!! 

Ahhh… off to go do some homework. I spend so much time crying that I keep forgetting about homework. Plus my head hurts so bad that I can barley focus. Only from too many tears. I’m probably going to wind up dehydrated from this tear loss!! 

Before homework, I may just go take a peek at Craigslist to find some kittens!! I really need company and furry companions are exactly what I could use. Kiki and Victor. Already have names picked out. Just have to find the cats with the right personality. 

I read a blog from another person and it comforted me. I blog because its a release, and i like to think that what I go through is what another person might go through and can relate. Or I blog what I do so I don’t forget. I blog because I love words. And writing. I figured one thing in my head, and it might be true, it might not, but I just know that I am not alone. Sometimes thats all I need to know.

  I don’t feel like I am part of a unit right now. I feel completely alone. 

Until I get those kitties. 

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