I have a slow burning rage buried deep in my belly. I can feel it, like a shot of whiskey burning up through my stomach and down my arms. My heart, bless it, is hard as ice right now and I feel pure hatred. Red hot anger. While my stomach is doing all the talking, my heart is sitting surrounded by its ice castle and just waiting. Patiently waiting for… nothing. My heart is not hopeful, excited, or any thing. Heart is just sitting behind the ice walls, safe. I feel like I have been pushed to the point of no return. I feel like I just may snap and I am not sure how well that is going to go over.
I have heard so many lies, so many terrible lies recently. Needless to say, that is all they are, lies. According to Urban Dictionary, a liar is:
1. someone who represents one set of facts, while knowing that a
2. (popular) someone who having led others to believe one thing, does
3. (colloquial) someone whose general conduct, level of reliability,
I do not like selfish people. I always try to think how the other person would feel if I did x, y and z. The fact that some people are so fucking selfish and only think about themselves makes me angry. A deep dark anger that pushes me forward.
Going forward is good. Its positive and after dealing with nonsense for so long and hearing the same god damn lies, “I won’t ever hurt you again,” is stupid. At least Jason, he was honest with me. I knew everything he was doing when it came to Jamie. I knew when he talked to her, when he would send her dirty pictures, how he felt about situations, and when he finally decided to choose her, I knew about it immediately. There was no guessing with him. He told me who he texted, what he is saying, everything. We had no secrets. When he left me the first time for Jamie, way back in November, he knew I slept with someone else because when he finally called that was the first thing I said. We had NO secrets. I don’t doubt for a minute that he didn’t love me. He never ever did anything, except you know, break my heart into a thousand pieces, but he never did the bullshit that That Guy is doing. Never. Well, yeah he did once when I finally left him and he went out and fucked the barracks whore and came back with chlamydia. haha, that was funny. I had so much fun making fun of him for it. I came back clean. That’s all that matters. He took it though. He didn’t get mad at me when I came up with thousands of one liners about being “dirty”. He just turned bright red and took it.
I don’t like to be lied to. I don’t like to be played for a fool. I don’t like it when selfish people think they can treat me anyway they can. I am fucking pissed. But in a quiet way. Yelling won’t accomplish anything. I must swallow my rage and bury it deep down in my belly. If it comes out, I don’t think it will be a good idea. Lets see what the “talk” is going to be this weekend. Lets hope I can quiet this fury that is about to burst out of my soul and destroy whatever or whoever is standing in front of me.
Breathe in and breathe out. Just have to remember, everything happens for a reason.
Oh! On a positive note. I have a very important phone call to complete on Monday. I am not the praying type, but I am praying, keeping my fingers and toes crossed and wishing on every shooting star that this is a good phone call.