The little things

Every time I date a new guy I think “this is it, I found what I’ve been looking for” and then something happens and I realize its not what I thought it was. I put on blinders and skip over the bad and only focus on the good and then am surprised when the bad over takes the good.

Since I’ve been out here, I think alot. I don’t have all the distractions that I had in California. I can dig deep into my soul and really examine what’s in there and how I feel. Usually this happens in my car, the best thinking spot ever. I haven’t heard anything from Haggy and I wonder how he is. At one point I thought he was the one to complete me and I had every intention on having his babies and being together forever. After living together and all that shit I realized we are not meant to be together because he does not complete me like I thought he did. If I called him and said let’s get back together, I know he would drop every hint and go give it another shot. Or since he’s dropped off the planet… Maybe not. He did hit me up on New Years and wished me a happy 2013. I miss him and his funny crude jokes. I’m finally at that point where I miss my friend. And the other bullshit doesn’t bother me anymore. When I’m doing good he disappears, but when I’m in need of something, he comes back.

I used to say that I found my missing puzzle piece because I thought I found someone who completes me and knows me well. Once again, I was mislead. The person who completes me isnt going to get physical, lie and cheat on me. They will COMPLETE me, not tear me down then build me back up to their way. It’s like, when a puzzle piece fits perfectly and then someone spills water on the puzzle and the cardboard swells and warps. I’m the wet puzzle piece. I don’t fit anymore. I have to be taken away and dried out and even then, it doesn’t fit like it used to.

Coming to Texas made me realize that in order for someone to complete ME, I have to already be complete. No other guy is going to fill that void until I fill it myself. Any guy that is with me needs to be an added bonus to my already complete life.

I had a glimpse of simplicity tonight. I realized that since I am in a good place, things are falling naturally into place. What I thought was just a friend might be more than a friend. There is no pressure, but something has changed and I think it’s because I am perfectly happy alone. We joked when we first went out on Christmas Eve that we both are going to die alone, lonely, with our pets. Or rather he told me I’m gonna be a crazy cat lady and be will have his boxers, but I realized I am not lonely. I’m happy. It’s always nice to have someone there, but if I have no one, I’m fine too.

In order for me to be successful as a person, I have to be content with myself before I can bring joy to another persons life. I realize that and am happy and content. Right now I have Viktoria sleeping on my chest and life is good. For once, I am content and not looking for the next best thing. Not allowing my heart to get tied up into bullshit. I’m just living… And it feels good.

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