I realized something tonight. I never really knew I was this way but a recent turn of events have confirmed it.
Take Gpa. On paper he seems to be a great guy and I was pretty toasted when I met him. Then the next day he came into my work and I saw him out of his work clothes and was instantly turned off. He dressed funny. Snug jeans and a snug top. His hair was styled and he was freshly shaved…. and I didn’t like it. Then he was telling me he was going to Oklahoma to visit his kids and sister this weekend, but he might stay and work overtime so he can make extra money so he can go to Cancun. What his obsession with Mexico is, I don’t know. Then he dropped the bombshell. He wants to take ME on a weekend getaway to Mexico with him. Uhhhh…. what? I told him that I can not afford to just pick up and go to Mexico for a weekend and he then tells me that he will pay for all of it. Uhhhh. WHAT? He just met me. Two days ago. Now he wants to whisk me away to a foreign country? I mean, I am getting the basics of Spanish down, but not enough to actually use it on anyone more than my barback or customers who are teaching me Spanish. So with all of that, plus kids and grand kids and being older than me and all that mumbo jumbo that I don’t like (he is snipped, told me so the first time we met so I don’t have to worry about kids with him) but what if one day I change my mind and want kids? I don’t want to have kids with an old guy who’s youngest is 18. I don’t want to be involved with a guy who has grand kids. We both know there will be more grand babies and then I am around kids! Other people’s kids. I don’t like them, I don’t want them… I don’t want that life. I am not ready for it.
This guy I met off a dating website came into my work awhile ago. Lets just say his pictures lied big time. So now he has my phone number and texts me all the time but I don’t really respond unless he says hes going to come visit me. Well he came in last night, all fucked up. He wasn’t drunk, that’s for sure, but I am not sure what drug he was on. I would guess meth because he doesn’t strike me the type to do coke. He comes in with his buddy and they are all weird and he is sending me texts while I am working about how “beautiful I am and he can’t wait to see me outside of work and lay down with me.” Ugh, creepy. I told him over and over that I am too busy to meet up with him. So he texts me tonight after I get off work saying he needs me. He’s sick or whatever and has to go to the ER. The fact that he said he needed me freaked me out. I don’t like anyone needing me. And I am certainly not going to take some cracked out person whom I barely know and go sit in the ER with them and miss out on a chance to blog, do my homework, watch a movie and read a little bit.
On to the third thing. I think I have a crush on the most unavailable man ever. He is just so smoking hot and I have the pleasure to be around him most evenings. The longer I work with him (Ahhhhh, there it is. Damn) the more we get to know each other. When I first started there, he was just too good looking so I avoided him at all costs. Now, its getting better but he’s not my manager, one of the dance managers. Talk about awkward. I catch myself flirting with him, but in the atmosphere I am in, I flirt with everyone. However. I realized something tonight.
I am a complete commitment phobic. I don’t want anything to do with a relationship. The mere mention of a possible “thing” sends me running in the opposite direction. I don’t know where this came from. Was it Jeff and I’s rocky relationship? Was it Jake and I’s non relationship since he is just as bad as I am when it comes to that? Is it the fact that I am attracted to J names and it just is a sign. The hot manager’s name starts with J. I am, obviously, not a complete idiot and know that getting involved with someone at work is the dumbest idea ever, so I don’t have to worry about any of that. I could never be involved with someone and then have it go sour and show up to work every day and deal with them. Talk about a stupid idea.
So there we have it. I am a complete commitment phobic. Run in the opposite direction when it comes to dating anyone or going on weekend trips. But I will develop a crush on my manager because he is the most unavailable man ever. Makes perfect sense.